Oh Boobies

Baby girl,

When I was pregnant with you I would often get asked whether or not I planned on breastfeeding. "I'm going to give it a try and see if it works." 

I had read the articles about how beneficial it is for a baby to have their mother's milk, and how skin-to-skin contact is important for bonding. I was prepared for it to be a success or colossal failure.

Well, baby girl, you turned out to be a champ at eating from the boob.

My doubts about whether you would latch, whether I'd create enough milk, and whether I'd be comfortable with pulling out a previously private part of my body multiple times a day were silenced pretty darn fast.

Nurses helped us figure out the positioning. Your daddy kept notes about when you fed, how long, and from which boob. I struggled to keep my eyes open and nipples from chafing. You ate, slept, ate, ate again, cried, and ate right after sleeping for about 5 minutes.

Breastfeeding is beautiful. It's natural, emotional, and it pushed me to a breaking point the second night we were at it. No one warned me about clusterfeeding... NO ONE! 

Evil-granola-snacking-organic-cloth-diapering monsters. Did they keep this little note out of the class we took at the hospital in order to protect us from the horror of second-night buffet-insomnia? Or did they just want to see me suffer?

This is a memory I will cherish and hold against you for all time: me watching a tenth episode of House Hunters at 3AM while you gummed the life out of my yet-to-be-milk-filled boobs. 10 months later, my heart warms at the thought of your tiny body wrapped in blankets and curled up in my arms. 10 months ago, I was on the brink of tears wanting to shake your daddy awake to grab a bottle because WE WERE NOT GOING TO DO THIS BREASTFEEDING MADNESS. 

Deep breaths...whew. I'm glad I didn't quit. That we didn't quit on each other. We survived that night and for exactly 10 months I was able to feed you from my body and watch you grow so big and strong. We've breastfed in cars, restaurants, at track meets, campgrounds, offices, bathrooms, and countless other public and semiprivate locations. I carried my pump with me to CC meets, on road trips, and girls-night shopping adventures. Magical bonding moments where you smiled while taking a feeding break, laughed, bounced your head on my chest, and brushed my hair with your fingers made me want to keep breastfeeding forever.

And then you bit me. 

10 months ended up being our finish line for this part of the journey. Those two daggers sprouting from your bottom gums brought a quick end to our picture-perfect feeding. Yes, I miss it. I miss holding you so close for hours a day and I miss your excitement when you knew it was boob-time. 

Oh well. Baby girl, it was good while it lasted. 

Kick guilt away

Joey-girl,

"How well does she sleep at night?" It's one of the first questions we get asked as first-time parents by every family member, friend, and stranger who runs across the highway as soon as they see a stroller.

You started sleeping through the night at seven weeks. We woke up the morning after our first well-rested slumber and checked on you to make sure something wasn't wrong...for about five seconds, we were terrified. But there you were, in your bassinet sprawled out on your back just enjoying a few more moments of bliss.

"Wow, you're lucky." It's the comment we most often receive after relaying our story. A quarter of the time it's said with shock, half the time it's said with a smile of relief and joy, the other quarter say it with a deep stare of haunting darkness and muffled anger. I can only imagine the nightmares of colic those parents have endured to leave their minds and heart so battle-scarred. The mother in me wants to hold their hand and tell them everything will be all right, but the 5-year old in me wants to sing Disney songs until the memory of their sadness is wiped from my brain.


The reason I'm bringing this topic up is that last night, we got a glimpse of the darkness. Teething and a week-long cold kept you up and screaming. Your dad and I walked you around, changed your diaper, fed you, sang crappy lullabies, and talked to you in an apologetic voice trying to make up for our lack of parenting magic. Sometime in the AM hours, you finally fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep after I set you in your crib.

Any parent who does that dance every night...I am standing and applauding your strength. Pretending to applaud...seriously, I don't want to risk waking your baby.

Well Joey, our normal schedule was thrown off today as we both recovered from last night's adventure. At one point, although it was early afternoon, I could have sworn we were back in the 1AM struggle as you told me again through your cries that you needed rest, but your body was ready to fight sleep as if it was threatening to take your last bottle.

I held you. I walked you. I promised it would be okay and kissed your head. Slowly, your muscles relaxed, you buried your face in my shoulder, and the weight of sleep took over. My computer beckoned to me...work, type, read, work, type, read...my body ached, my fingers were going numb...but I just couldn't set you down.

Yes, I was slightly terrified of waking you up by shifting your body even an inch, but ultimately my heart wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as possible. You used to fall asleep in my arms every day, back when your weight was a whisper of warmth wrapped up in a fluffy blanket.

I remembered a video that played on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago...  words from "I was going to fold the clothes, but instead I held you" by Regan Long.

Baby girl, I selfishly sat in our old rocking chair and held you as you slept. One day, when you have babies of your own, be selfish. Hold your little one - after a night of no sleep, hold them. After a day of fuss and sniffles, hold them. Kiss their cheeks, brush their hair with your lips, and rest your face against theirs. Hold them like I held you today.

Kick the creeping guilt in the balls.

I was going to fold the clothes, but instead I held you 

by Regan Long

Starting Over and Feeling Stupid

Sweet baby girl,

You are 7 months and 11 days old.

Right now, I'm sitting in a real estate class with a slight headache and stuffy nose wishing I was home by you and daddy. I'm in the process of starting a new career, and let me tell you...I feel stupid. I'm not actually stupid (most days), but having to start from the bottom again highlights my flaws in all angles. There's so much to learn and so much opportunity; I'm excited for what this can bring to our family.

But Baby-Joey, it's a hike with a hundred-lb pack and terrible shoes...
        one foot in front of the other...
        fight, grind, repeat...
        just keep running...
        fail until you don't...
        the pain of trying is nothing compared to the pain of regret.

Providing for you has given me a purpose. Spending days with your smile (and cries) has given me joy. Having you has given me courage. I will keep fighting for you, your dad, and me. I will keep fighting for the brothers and sisters your dad and I want to give you.

When starting a new job there's always a period of stupid that lasts between two weeks and two months. Working at Target, I mastered the Deli department in two weeks. Organizing the fryer schedule for maximum efficiency is my Wimbledon title. Teaching high school English, two months was about when I felt like I wasn't pretending anymore. I felt like a master teacher after developing a unit where students rewrote "The Lottery" by changing two literary elements of the story. Their inventive, crazy, and moving versions of the classic filled my heart with pride.

So, I will continue to listen, read, learn, and sometimes struggle to master this real estate world. I'm sure there will be victories to celebrate, paper-cuts to bandage, and trenches to climb over. No matter what, you and I will always have a standing date for dance parties, tummy time screams, and sharing a peanut butter bagel.

My hope for you: Be brave enough to feel stupid.

Life Lessons

Joey-girl,

You are 4 months and 17 days old. Two days ago you and I spent my 30th birthday together; we walked, talked, napped, read, and played all day. It was the best birthday I could have asked for...you are the best gift I've ever been given.

Since turning 30 is a milestone in a person's life, one where life experiences are supposed to have brought wisdom and maturity to one's heart and mind, I want to share some of my thoughts/lessons with you. Here is my disclaimer: what has worked or not worked for me may be completely different for you. This is not a how-to-be-successful-in-life guide...this is a how-I've-made-it-this-far-and-what-I've-learned infomercial. Read it, laugh at my ridiculousness, and understand that your moma isn't perfect, but she's always trying to be better. That's all any of us can really strive for.

1. Never be afraid to dance in public. I spent many middle and high school dances hiding in the corner by the cardboard decorations or behind the counter of the concession stand when I could have been under the sparkling lights making a fool of myself. As an adult and with your dad by my side, I've taken to the dance floor more often (we even went to a ballroom dancing class once - we suuuuuuucked).

2. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Finding the humor through difficult times has helped me keep my sanity. Yes, I may reference penises too much, but really...is that ever not funny? Random fact: I was kicked out of my seventh grade science class because I giggled at the word penis every time it was said in the doc/educational video that was playing.

3. Read all the books. Trust me here...you will be smarter, more creative, have more empathy, and will never run out of new people or worlds to know. Your dad and I read together; we take turns picking a book, and we read it out loud while we're riding in the car or sitting at home. One day this will be a family activity where you can have a turn, too. Guess what? You and I have been reading the first Harry Potter book (okay, you've been sitting on your butt smiling at me while I read) and we're two-thirds of the way through it.

4. Ask for help. So many of life's challenges could have been handled better or more quickly if I just would have had the courage to ask somebody I trusted for help. I have always been afraid of burdening other people, so I tend to take on too much and then feel like a failure when I can't do it all as well as I want to. Guess what? YOU ARE NEVER A BURDEN TO PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! Note to self: remind Joey of this every day.


5. Don't just talk - take action. We all need to vent and should never feel bad about releasing some steam, but complaining doesn't fix problems. Be brave, be assertive, and punch the sky as you celebrate taking action to address/fix the thing you were complaining about. A lot of times this involves just changing perspective and practicing empathy. Sometimes action requires serious life changes that are scary and exhausting. I am in a moment of talk vs. action right now...quitting my job as a teacher was terrifying because it was a safe career that provided a stable income for our family. However, I had talked too long about wanting something more than a paycheck; having you made me want to take a risk and pursue some dreams of mine. Will it work out? NO IDEA! Stay tuned for the fairy tale ending...please don't let this be a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

12 Weeks In

Dear Joey,

You are twelve weeks and one day old. Every day your daddy and I look at you and wonder how we could make something so beautiful. We love you! More than words can say.

To mark this special time in our lives we want to give you a snapshot of what a typical day in our home looks like...

6:15AM - The alarm goes off, I wake your dad, and he starts getting ready for work while also taking care of the dogs. Usually you are half awake in your bassinet and sucking your thumb, so I move in to change your diaper and do a morning feeding. This is my favorite moment of the day! As I rub your belly and say, "Good morning sunshine", you look up at me, move that thumb out of your mouth and smile a big toothless grin. We share some morning cuddles in the big bed, and your dad kisses us both goodbye before he heads off to work. Then...we sleep!

8:15AM - I sneak downstairs to have breakfast and take care of some chores while you sleep for the next hour.

9:30AM - You tell me through the monitor to come get you and bring you downstairs for some milk. We rock in our chair while you eat and watch some TV until you fall asleep for another nap.

10:30AM - 3:30PM - This chunk of time is reserved for mommy and Joey playtime! You're becoming more aware of toys and sounds, so we play simple games with your blanket (kick it off your feet) and rattles. Just a few days ago you discovered how amazing it is to see your reflection in the playmat mirror. Your daddy and I laughed while we watched you make big faces and wriggled around. Guess what? You still hate tummy time! However, I make you practice your turning over and head lifting so you can grow big and strong. Sorry, honey! Off-and-on during this time you take short naps, eat, and give me a smelly diaper to change. We also talk a lot...or I talk and you babble. And we smile at each other...all day you bring joy to my heart with that big full-face smile.

3:30PM - 4:30PM - You and I go on a walk around the neighborhood as long as it's not raining or too hot. I do the work, and you fall asleep.

4:45PM - Daddy calls us as he starts his drive home from work.

5:30PM - 8:00PM - Dinner, taking turns running, chores, work, TV watching...it all gets done while we trade off playing with you and getting some Joey cuddles.

8:00PM - 9:00PM - FUSSY TIME! This actually starts at 7:30, but the main grumpiness hits at 8. Your dad and I load you up in the stroller and do a two-block nighttime walk to keep you content. Usually the dogs join us, and this is when we all get to talk and plan future life adventures.

9:00PM - 10:00PM - Bath time for Joey a couple of times a week, last feeding with mom, and bedtime. For the past week you have fallen asleep and woken back up for a belly rub or quick cuddle, but overall bedtime is at 9:30 and you are out for the night. I get up a couple of times throughout the night to pump, but your dad is sound asleep storing up some energy for the next day.

Joey-girl, we love every second we get to spend with you. Being your mommy and daddy gives us meaning and purpose. We still have no idea what we're doing, but as a team of five (Olive and Amos included) we are figuring it out as we go. As you continue to grow and learn, we promise to enjoy the simple moments of love and joy.

We've Been Busy...

I've been told I can use having a baby as an excuse for anything I want for as long as I want...

   No, I can't make it to the party; I just had a baby.
   You need a liver and I'm a match? No, I just had a baby.
   This isn't my ice cream birthday cake, and I shouldn't be eating it? I'm sorry, but I just had a baby.

There hasn't been a new blog post for about 55 days. Forgive me! I just had a baby.

Here are the things we have managed to do in the last eight weeks:

• I started a wedding and event planning business. Have you heard of Simply Unique LLC? No? Wow...I thought my six total followers on Twitter would have gotten the word out by now.
• Billy graduated from college!
• I'm working on getting my real estate license through the online course.
• Installed an electric in-ground dog fence.
• Made and eaten four batches of puppy chow.
• Purchased a freezer and filled it with frozen bags of breastmilk. Mine. Not Billy's.
• Broke the washing machine...got the washing machine fixed...
• Got through our first family cycle of sickness. Joey catches a cold, sends it over to dad, who passes it down the court to mom for a chance at the game-winning layup.
• Joey has been to one waterpark, one soccer game, two track meets, two campground visits, one retirement party, and zero bars. 
• We've (I say we because breastfeeding in public takes a team) successfully fed our baby in three different vehicles, two restaurants, and on the backstretch of a track while the 100/110 hurdle races were going. 

There are many more things that should be included on this list, but my baby is in the other room and I miss her sweet smile. Also, her last fart shook the house walls, and I'm mentally preparing for an up-the-back-clothes-changing poop package.

What we've learned as parents so far...(15 days in)

Bonus Entry

What we've learned as parents so far...(15 days in)

1. Our baby is better than your baby.

2. People will always assume Joey is a boy based on her name. 

3. Babies are manipulative creatures who use their cries and cute faces to get access to boobs.

4. Babies like boobs.

5. Our baby prefers the right boob.

6. To keep a baby content you need three things: the ability to bounce them, the ability to feed them, and the NASCAR pit crew speed to change a diaper and onesie in record time.

7. Dried-up umbilical cords are gross.

8. We will change diapers, forget to wash our hands, and eat chips right after.

9. There will be 100 outfits in the dresser and closet for the baby to wear, but we will use the same three sleepers week after week because Steve Jobs is our inspiration for fashion and time saving tactics.

10. Milk drunk is a real thing, and it is adorable when it's your baby.

11. Not all babies want to be swaddled. Our baby is a ninja and needs access to full movement 24/7.

12. The world stops when the baby makes a sound while sleeping...is she waking up? Should I hold my breath so I don't disturb her? I don't need to breathe. Keep sleeping...if you love mommy at all, keep sleeping!

13. As soon as you have a baby, there is nothing else you really want to talk about. 

14. Diaper bags are bottomless pits for blankets, trash, doggy poop pouches, snacks, and pacifiers. I never carry a purse, so this is my status symbol of female empowerment. My diaper bag says, "I have a uterus, and I am awesome."

15. We will never be more proud of our child than when we hear her do three explosive poops in a completely silent room.